January 8, 2009
Dear Gym Teacher:
Our family’s spiritual advisor, the Left Reverend Aloysius P. Schmittmacher of the Unorthodox Octocostal Church of The Holy Moly (UOCHM) has indicated that he feels that the practice of square dancing, or any expression of free-form fun and hilarity, invites the devil into one’s soul and waylays them from the path of righteousness. Obviously, any deviation from the path of righteousness on the part of our dear daughter Hyla Howe is deeply troublesome.
For this reason, and with tongue held firmly in cheek, we must adhere to the teachings of UOCHM, and the advice of Rev. Schmittmacher and ask that Hyla be excused from square dancing. Instead of holding hands with strange boys and do-se-doing around in a circle, Hyla will sit in the bleachers, quietly reading “The Hobbit” and singing hymns of devotion.
Thank you in advance for your consideration in this matter. I firmly believe that if more parents took the time to waste your time with this sort of nonsense the world would be an even stranger place.
Sincerely,
Hyla’s Dad
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In January of 2009, I needed an excuse to get out of square-dancing in gym class. I wanted to fake an injury but my Dad suggested that, if I REALLY wanted an air-tight excuse, I needed one based on religion. NO ONE argues with a religious excuse. It started with a letter from home invoking the Reverend Aloysius P. Schmittmacher of the Unorthodox, Unrepentant, Unreformed Octocostal Church of the Holy Moly. It ended up becoming a movement. And it DID get me out of square-dancing!
